How To Become An Alpha Male: Lesson 5: Confidence Game

One of the unforeseen pleasures of writing this series of 18 chapters on Alpha Malehood is the barrage of email I'm getting full of Alpha Male inside info, not to mention guys just walking up to me to tell me their Alpha Male secrets. First, of course, they tell me that no woman should know as much as I do about Alpha Males and I will piss a lot of guys off if I act like a know-it-all on the subject. I instantly explain that in fact, I know nothing, and make no claims to giving advice, but simply have very good sources -- a cadre of "deep throat" type informants -- who know the knowledge needs to get out. They seem all right with this. Then, after telling me that they should NOT divulge their secrets about Alpha Males, they come around some how or another, to sharing another wickedly delightful insight with me. So let me just say, this is much appreciated and please feel free to keep me in on the game.

After taking a few days off to collect my thoughts and try to pick out the next most important subject, I've hit on the subject of confidence. If there is one thing they have in spades, it's sheer, unmitigated, unflappable, nearly arrogant, but simply deliciously masculine Confidence. And they know how to use it. And they know it works. And they know it is an incredible turn-on.

A new friend on email mentioned how many salesmen are Alpha Males and this got me thinking as well. Something they teach you in sales is to "assume the sale." This is especially important with women. Assume she wants to kiss you. Assume she wants to fuck you. Assume you will eventually wear down her high morals and you will get her into bed one of these days. Good salemen assume the sale. They don't have time to doubt their success. They have rock hard confidence. My emailer complained that many of them are so arrogant that surely this did not attract women, but rather women found it replusive. Well, yes, some are just too full of themselves, but even those win more often than they lose.

Confidence is very attractive. It's even amusing. It makes you grin to watch some of these guys. Here's how the really good ones operate. Like all true artists they know that nothing is as successful as mixing extremes. They mix up the big boy slightly-arrogant confidence with surprising bursts of charming little boy shyness and "whoops, I blew it" contriteness. This gets the girl every time, though I think it mostly works because it leaves women completely confused and disarmed. Once you get a woman that off balance, if you have confidence and have assumed the sale all along, you make short work of your prey.

Being confident is incredibly sexy. Being confident is incredibly powerful. Being confident is essentially "efficient" -- it just makes everyone go along with you and saves you time. Don't bother spending a minute doubting yourself. What the hell is that about? There are enough enemies, critics, naysayers and pessimists all around you to take care of doubting you. Why the hell would you waste time doubting YOU TOO? Again, I preach to the converted. You guys know this.

The world is a pretty frightening place. Somehow or other, we get up in the morning believing we can manage to make it through the day. These days there's ample evidence against that notion. This is what's wonderful about men -- they challenge this world view with sheer testosterone and after-shave. They have courage. They have balls. They straighten their ties and get on with it. What Alpha Males know is that everyone needs to feel confidence and that it begins with them. They know their confidence is a gift. They share it with others. It makes it a much better world to live in. It's a confidence game.

The Name is James .... James Bond

A new friend, Ole, from the West Coast writes about a key feature of the Alpha Male I'm can't wait to discuss -- sheer unmitigated unflappable CONFIDENCE. He reports on watching James Bond in action.

> I watched GoldenEye last night.
> Exhibit A of Alpha Maleness.
> I especially liked the part where he
> straightens his tie
> after running his tank over three police cars.

Way to go James. Way to go Ole, thanks for this.

Blogspot Ban In China

Leave it to China to show us how politically radical blogging really is. Check out Dave Winer's coverage of this amazing story.

What A Beautiful Pussy You Are

Well, per usual, over at Gonzo Engaged, the blog that answers the question "Can you ever get enough of the teachings of Chris Locke?!" with an emphatic "Oh, no, never!" they have been beating me to the punch. Marek my Polish Alpha Male Love Slave has reproduced my favorite Edward Lear poem, The Owl And The Pussycat, with a few variations.

What Marek doesn't know is that as a young girl, I was actually given a gift of a 3 foot long wooden pea-green boat, complete with stuffed animal Owl and Pussycat, a little jar of honey tucked into the bow, a little golden sack of chocolate money stowed away in the stern, not to mention a pea-green book of Edward Lear poems. This is a favorite poem of mine, but what with the language now sounding nearly pornographic, you barely hear it anymore. Another book that's fallen by the wayside since modern slang has rendered it slightly off-color is the classic, "Our Hearts Were Young and Gay" to which you can't help saying, "Oh, yeah?!" I reproduce the poem unadulterated below. Any Alpha Male who's in the mood to dine "on mince and slices of quince" which we can eat "with a runcible spoon" should drop me a note, beats dinner at Legal Seafoods any time. I'm even willing to recite the poem which I know by heart, while we dance hand in hand by the edge of the sand, but so as not to disappoint, I warn you up front I do not own a small guitar, but then again, what self-respecting Alpha Male can't get his hands on a small guitar to bring to the party? I leave that to him.

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat:
They took some honey,
and plenty of money
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.

The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Pussy, O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!"
Contemporary Illustrator: Donna L. Derstine

Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl,
How charmingly sweet you sing!
Oh! let us be married;
too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the bong-tree grows;
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will."
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;

And hand in hand on the edge of the sand
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

Live Action Girls Boys Peapods!

Yep, you've got live blogging going on here. Check it out -- we're at lunch and blogging every god damned word -- NOT really! They're all ordering and I'm going to go hungry. Better give Dan Bricklin his wifi machine back. Here's the pix.

We just called Dave Winer in 650 land to say hi and congrats. Hylton Joliffe just rolled in. More later

Back to my office, so here's a quick update NOT in media res. How bad can lunch be with me and nine brilliant male bloggers! ? It was so much fun. Wayne Becker, Dan Bricklin, Bob Frankston, Steve Himmer, Hylton Joliffe, John Robb, Brian Runk, David Weinberger and Steve Yost. By now, they've probably posted a bunch of pix on their sites, so go check them out!

It Was 30 Years Ago Today

Sargent Pepper taught the band to play. No, wait, I mean, it was ONE year ago today I started blogging -- mostly due to David Weinberger's pushy insistent prodding. Thanks David. Of course, it all started with cars and girls -- thunderbirds and Brittney!

Crimson Blogging

Like Doc and David, I'm thrilled to hear Dave Winer will be a Berkman Fellow at Harvard Law School's amazingly creative Berkman Center for Internet & Society. As big a win as this is for Dave Winer, I think it's even bigger for Harvard, as he will bring his expertise, imagination and vision to the entire univerisity, building new interdepartmental and intra-collegiate killer apps that few of us can conceive of at this point.

Under the radically innovative leadership of Charles Nesson, John Palfrey, Jonathan Zittrain, Diane Cabell and Donna Wentworth*, this partnership will be something awesome to behold. During the weekend in October that Berkman was sponsoring the Digital Identity @ Harvard Conference I kept thinking, "Boy, Dave should be here, he'd love this and they need him." Glad to see that it actually happened.

Dave, the Boston bloggers will miss you today at lunch, but we now reserve an honorary chair for you at all Boston blogging events. Don't forget Route 128 is America's Technology Highway! Welcome!

[*BTW, I'm only mentioning the Berkman folks I've met in person, I know the rest of the group is equally excellent, just don't know them first-hand.]

Halleyversary Of My Blog

My sweet little blog is one year old tomorrow. I'm putting a pink bow in her hair and making her wear her pinchy Mary Jane's to a party. She's only one, but she can already walk. And, boy can she talk -- she never shuts up.

So anyway ... did I blog this already ... I'm having a crazy week and I can't remember what I've done and not done. So if I already mentioned it, sorry, but if not, here goes.

David Weinberger of JOHO fame is hosting a lunch for Halley's Comment's One Year Birthday, tomorrow Friday, January 10th at 12:00 noon in Harvard Square at that landmark restaurant, Yenching Chinese. The lunch special is $5.95 and you get an egg roll too. David will be there at 12:15. I'll be there at 11:45, trying to guess how big a table we'll need. RSVP me by email if you plan to be there.

A Lexicon of Snow

A new friend emails me with lovely snow news. Brian tells me about his term "whisper snow" and listen to what he says. [Needless to say, I could kill him, as he's now claimed the best snow name so far.]

> > Still snowing up here on the North Shore as well,
> > although it sounds a
> > damn sight prettier than it does downtown.
> > Up here we have what I'd call "whisper snow" since
> > that's the sound it
> > makes falling through the already snow-encrusted
> > trees. This stuff is
> > so tiny you can't see it, just feel its caress as it
> > falls past.

He suggests I just go ahead and write a full LEXICON OF SNOW, this after mentioning that we can probably expect a solid four (Oh no! Say it ain't so!) more months of snow. Brian, you're just trying to scare me and it's working!!! I guess I'll just have to give these Inuits a run for their money. Here's the list so far:

Boa Snow -- Very dry snow with the light and fluffy texture of a feather boa. Sexy and frothy, but dangerously chilly around your neck. While feather boas are best worn with no additional clothing, this snow is not.

Madison Avenue Slush Snow -- As defined below, this diabolical snow, native to New York, is a mixture of 1/2 snow, 1/2 water and 1/2 filthy city dirt. When you're at the corner of Madison and 92nd, you step off into what looks like a grey milkshake of 1" depth, but it's above your ankle before you can escape the excruciatingly icy cold, dirty water soaking your socks. [Brian adds that when you take off your sock, the blue dye in your sock has stained your shrivelled foot an alarming color and you will be tempted to rush to the nearest emergency room with self-diagnosed frostbite.]

Mink Coat Snow -- Slightly damp snow with great velvety, clinging ability. This snow coats the trees like fur coats but does not keep anyone warm.

Shellac Snow -- Start with a heavy, slightly wet snow, then season with a wickedly cold night to create a crunchy plastic layer on top of thick ice. Sheer hell to remove from a car. Plan on being at least a half-hour late to work on shellac snow morningsOn second thought, to hell with work. Go back to bed and take that neighbor with you, the one making lackluster attempts to dig out his/her car while giving you sideways glances in your Dr. Zhivago hat.

Sod Snow -- Much fun for the kids, this is a heavy wet snow, perfect for rolling your own snowman. You can roll up big swaths of it off your lawn, it leaves the green grass showing, as it sucks up everything in its path. Achtung, baby, as trying to move or lift these heavy wet sod snow boulders can result in an instant hernia.

Whisper Snow -- Per Brian, snow so stealthy, the sound it makes falling through the already snow-encrusted trees is nearly imperceptible. This stuff is so tiny you can't see it, just feel its caress as it falls past.

More snow and 18 more snow words

Yes, we had more snow again. And this one I'm calling %@"?#@#$% snow because I'm getting pretty darned sick of it. No, now Halley, control yourself. This snow actually has a name too. It's gotten warmer so it's the consistency of 1/2 snow and 1/2 water. I call it "Madison Avenue Slush Snow", you know the kind -- you're on a corner in New York City, you step off into what looks like a grey milkshake of 1" depth, except it's a clogged drain and it's above your ankle before you realize and you start swearing a blue streak as excruciatingly icy dirty water soaks your socks.

I've gotten a link from a new email friend, Stu Savory, who points me to his list of actual Inuit snow words. I appreciate this very much, but I still like my snow names better.

Alpha Advice

I've been getting a lot of terrific advice since I started writing these 18 easy lessons, from a host of worldwide Alpha Males by email. I may excerpt some bits and snatches after asking the authors for permission. One Alpha asks WHO are my original advisors on all things alpha-male-ish, since he finds what I'm saying is right on and wonders how a woman can so "get it." Well, I'm afraid I can't divulge those secret sources.

Meanwhile, a nice young woman wrote me by email saying she doesn't want to keep reading about how to become an Alpha Male, rather would like to know how to GET one. She asks, "Do you have to be drop dead gorgeous?" I'm not and I don't think you have to be, but of course, it helps. I'll noodle that one around for a while and get back to you. Keep those cards and letters coming!

Fur and Feathers

I can't believe we're getting MORE new snow. It never seems to end. It's snowed nearly every day since Christmas. Yesterday, I had to scrape the car in the morning because of new snow, but ALSO had to scrape and dig the car out at the end of the day! Once a day is bad enough but twice! This is really crazy.

Like the alleged eskimos, (opps, I mean "inuits" if I'm going to be politically correct) I'm beginning to have 300 words for snow. There is a funny light and flaky snow this morning that reminds me of feathers -- easy to dust off, but whimsical -- I'll call it "boa snow". It's sexy and frothy. A few days ago we had the furry snow that coats the trees like velvet, I'll call it "mink coat snow". Last week we had that "shellac snow" -- thick with a crust of icy plastic on top -- which makes removal almost impossible. The week before we had a heavy wet snow that rolls into an awesome snow man. You roll up big swaths of it off the lawn and it leaves the green grass showing as it sucks up everything in its path -- I call it "sod snow" .

Please, enough of the snow naming, enough of the winter wonderland, let's go with a spring wonderland, whattya say?

Alpha Male: Lesson 4: Stag Films

First of all, go to the video store and casually saunter over to that section where all Alpha Males must eventually go to test their manhood; and don't bring any wives, girlfriends or any other women with you. You have to go it alone on this. Don't be shy, reach up for that stag film of all stag films and take it off the shelf with a confident hand, no trembling please. Check out the front, turn it over and check out the back. The title will appear in big bold letters and yes, other alpha males may spot you as you eye it, it will read, "BAMBI." Okay, now reach for the next one, "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" and last but not least, "MULAN".

Shocked? You may well be. But now you know the truth. To become a real Alpha Male, one must study the teachings of Walt Disney. Everything you need is in that section.

Let's start with Bambi. If you want to see stags fight for status, this is your movie. If you want to see deer fight for the prettiest doe in the room, again, this is your movie. If you wonder why the heck they called a boy deer "Bambi" well, I have no frigging idea. Still, apart from the name problem, this movie will teach you how to be king of the forest. It's easy and oh-so-Freudian, just kill your dad or any father-substitute hanging around, who might be keeping you from running the joint.

Once you've got the lessons of Bambi under your belt, check out Beauty and The Beast. So now we have the prettiest girl in town, Belle, willing to go live with one mean, hairy ugly beast up in his fancy house on the hill. The best looking guy in town, Gaston, a mega-arrogant French Alpha Male can not seem to turn Belle's head. What's going on?! This is paradoxical to say the least. But here we are in an advanced post-grad course on Alpha Malehood. This movie lays out a very fundamental and encouraging Alpha Male secret -- that Alpha Malehood is an equal opportunity employer. You do NOT have to be the sexy Frenchman to get the girl. In fact, a lot of Alpha Males are a little bit like the beast -- a little rough-and-tumble, the kind of guys girls love to tame and take care of. Girls hate guys who spend more time in the mirror looking at themselves than looking at them. This is Gaston's problem. Also, the beast NEEDS something. He needs Belle's help to tame his beastliness and show his sweet side. This too is appealing for a lot of women. And of course, the Beast is sexy and wild. Always better to be a sexy beast than a French poodle. And he does have a great house.

Once you've made it through those two movies, check out Mulan. The story is simple. When the Emperor of China calls all men to join the army, Mulan runs off with her father's conscription papers to take his place since he has a bad leg and can barely walk. Disguising herself as a man, she has the help of a tiny red dragon, Mushu, in the voice of Eddie Murphy, to teach her how to be a military Alpha Male. Mushu spares no details including back-slapping, belching, passing gas and all other essential male skills. It's a funny movie, until the men figure out that they have this female traitor in their midst, then all hell breaks loose.

Seriously, if you haven't seen it, Mulan says great things about men -- about their strength, their courage, their mysterious deep sexuality. At boot camp as she tries to keep up, the Alpha Male in charge, Li Shang, kicks her ass and is so tough on her, he nearly breaks her. In the end, she falls in love with him and he with her. The song I'll Make a Man Out of You that plays behind a fast-moving animated montage of basic training exercises, (very An Officer And A Gentleman in style) catalogues some of the best things about Alpha Males, "We must be swift as the coursing river, (Be a man), With all the force of a great typhoon, (Be a man), With all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon."

Stag Films: They Came To Town In A Doctor's Bag

Alpha Males must watch stag films. I'll be back later to give you all the dirty details in Lesson 4: Stag Films.

Tina Brown on High Heels

I like this bit from Tina Brown in the Times about high heels. She's "spot on" as they say on that side of the pond.

The lethal shoe is an essential part of the business woman’s armoury. In the morning, you see the Alpha Moms dropping their kids at school all suited up for work. Breastplate: Armani jacket. Shield: Marc Jacobs bag. Lance: Christian Louboutin stilettos. Women over 40 are particularly addicted, perhaps because, whatever the humiliations of the changing room, shoes are the one glamour perk we can always get to fit.

Alpha Male: Lesson 3: Why Alpha Males Get Pussy Galore

When it comes to being "PC", you may have noticed there's nothing particularly politically correct about alpha males -- another reason you gotta just love them. They are the consummate rule breakers. They revel in dashing expectations. They make the game up as they go, writing their own rules on the fly. So when it comes to "PC" they have a different spin on those two letters. Let's introduce two fundamental Alpha Male Vocabulary Builder words -- Pussy and Cock. The P word is key. There's no question that if you want to become an Alpha Male you have to understand the P word and you have to get a lot of it.

Alpha Males get pussy. They really do. They get it and they get it. One Alpha Male told me he would just kill me if I ever wrote about the pussy strategy. Well, I guess I'll just have to lie low and not be seeing him in all the old familiar places, because whether he likes it or not, I've got to get the pussy rule down on paper. It's such a brilliant strategy and actually has applications far beyond the dating arena -- it works at work too.

Nothing improves your tribal status better than walking in with or being seen with the best looking woman at the party. Here's what Alpha Males know -- they know they can get the best looking babe at the party. They know because they've done it many times and they know they can do it again. How do they do it? You might well ask, because let me say many of the most successful Alpha Males are not drop-dead good looking. In fact, they're just average Joes, many of the best of them. You've been to a party and asked yourself the musical question, "Is he really going out with her?" when you see an average guy walking in with a killer babe. Well, you are watching an Alpha Male in action, busy implementing the pussy strategy.

Here's what they know. Most men at the party are just too intimated to go talk to the super model babe, assuming she will shoot them down. They self-select themselves OUT of the top drawer pussy. It happens all the time. Ask beautiful women -- NO ONE TALKS TO THEM. Except Alpha Males who know this fundamental truth, so they know ironically that they have an open field and a very HIGH likelihood of scoring

When I say it works at work, I mean it. It's much easier to talk to the CEO of a company than it is to get a meeting with all the drones that report to him. They're too busy doing what he wants. And so many people are afraid of the CEO, no one talks to him either. And he wants to know what the hell is going on in the world and is often open to talking to a half-way intelligent person.

Which brings me to the second part of the pussy strategy -- the best looking girl at the party WILL talk to most Alpha Males and Alpha Male wannbes -- but you better have something halfway intelligent to say. More on that in the next lesson.

Take Me To The Emotional Mud Baths

I like Dave's idea that you can go to an emotional spa where they are short on physical treatments and long on restoring your emotional health. I sure underatand what it's like to try and recover from the rollercoaster of taking care of an ill parent. It just about kills you.

So here are the special treatment rooms at the spa -- The "You Are So Adorable" Room, The "Thundering Applause" Room, The "We Can't Manage Without You" Room, and then down the hall there's The "My Hero!" Room.

Ditching Church

Hate to ditch church but we're going skiing with friends and with work and everything else, it's hard to find the time to see anyone, much less get some exercise in the winter. Pathetic justification I know, but hey, I want to go skiing.

Trouble In Mind I'm Blue

Woke up this morning really worried about something and took a big dose of my favorite drug -- and boy do I feel better.

Trouble in mind, I'm blue
But I won't be blue always,
You know the sun's gonna shine
And brighten my backdoor some day.

I'm all alone at midnight
And my lamp is burnin' low
I Ain't never had so much
Trouble in my mind before.

Most pills only take a few seconds to swallow but my big worry drug takes an hour. But it's worth all the trouble. I like all the bright candy colors -- pinks and reds and blues -- 3 lb weights, 5 lb weights, 10 weights. Just do it -- crunches, bicep curls, supine French press, adductor lift, squats, dips, lunges. Top it off with prayer and "oh, yeah, I'm not in charge here anyway."

Consider the lilies of the field,
how they grow;
They toil not, neither do they spin;
And yet I say unto you,
that even Solomon in all his glory
was not arrayed like one of these.