Tuesday, May 13, 2003

How To Become An Alpha Male -- Lesson 15: You Must Remember This

If an Alpha Male is good for anything, he's good for kissing. And it's the darnest thing, even the best Alpha Males just don't remember what a potent weapon the common garden-variety kiss can be. What an arrow to have in your quiver, ready to be aimed at an unsuspecting target. It disarms your prey. It certainly ends all conversations.

I have noticed that there is often a lot of conversation which proceeds coitus -- too much conversation -- like people going over a waterfall who can see the edge of the water behind them plummeting down, but continue in vain to paddle furiously, lovers who would rather be falling into bed are for some reason spending a lot of time standing around talking. Standing around talking about NOTHING. Alpha Males who are worth their salt know how to deal with this most irksome situation. It can not be ignored. It must be dealt with. Here's a story of how someone shut me up one time.

First of all, the big problem with kissing anyone is that you usually DO have a lot to talk about. If you're getting excited enough to kiss them, they must have been talking to you for a bit, at least a little while, but probably a LONG while. You'd probably been up late on the phone with them, despite being of an age where you should know better, talking all night like high school kids with their first crush. You're on the phone and they are saying all these funny things and they are loving all the funny things you are saying and if you're really excited, you're probably also doing something else ... well, let's say you're also eating Hagen Daz Boysenberry ice cream just to keep things visually attractive around here at Halley's Comment. So you've been using your mouth a lot. Just a whole helluva lot. You've been talking this person up and down and sideways, because they are the coolest thing -- this new play toy that loves your ass.

I was telling you a story of how a really experienced Alpha Male got me to shut up and kiss him one time. Oh yeah, so anyway, I was doing that annoying girl thing. Talking, talking, talking. Both of us were probably having cartoon character bubbles floating above our heads with big smoochy lips drawn like simple cave paintings in the center of the bubble. Both of us were wondering why we were talking and talking and talking. It wasn't like the phone talking you do late at night with the cord wound around your ankle and your foot arching in a sexy way and you both just finding out your birthdays are two days apart, so it must mean something extremely significant. No, it wasn't that kind of talking. It was that empty talking with almost no content, camo talking, camoflaging the fact that you'd really rather be rolling around on the floor making out with the other person. And thank god for his nice direct approach, because I just could not stand talking one more second.

So he says, "Come here," and I wish I could capture the tone.

The tone is everything. It was that tone like, "WHO do you think you're kidding?! We both know you're just doing that crazy pre-kissing talking that sounds like NOTHING and it's just to keep us both from noticing that we're nanoseconds away from some serious lip-smacking tongue-thrusting fun, so just SHU-UT .. U-UP (four syllables)." And of course, I got the message instantly ... who wouldn't and I particularly liked the commanding tone. Yes, I had been called to the principal's office for serious horsing around. I had to stop talking and "come here" or go there from my perspective.

And I liked this part too, because there are some serious logistics about kissing. You are actually going from a certain distance -- usually you're looking at the talker's whole body and for good reason -- to suddenly getting very up close and personal. And this must be negotiated properly. [This is why dancing is so helpful as a pre-kissing activity -- you're coming together, drifting apart, coming back together, spinning your partner out, yanking them back up close, the distance thing doesn't seem so awkward when dancing. It's another matter when standing around talking.]

Yes, the logistics are a consideration, but of course, an Alpha Male is up to the task, at least the ones I've seen. I've never had to park a submarine in a narrow harbor, but I suppose it's rather like that. Actually I'm mixing metaphors here, the submarine parking activity is a later-in-the-evening post-kissing thing, isn't it? So somehow or another, one must bridge the distance between the two bodies and get the lips in alignment. It's really not that easy.

So he said, "Come here," and it said it all. I knew what was coming and I was so relieved that he had the wherewithal to just shut me up. And in this particular case, there was some serious bridging to do, we were not all that close to one another for some idiotic reason ... I'm standing around talking, but get this, we were in a hotel room, he was standing next to the bed -- DID I REALLY MISS WHAT WAS GOING ON?! I'm standing talking about God Know's What acting like we're on some street corner. I'd managed to get all the way across to the other side of the room, near the mini-bar, just short of climbing out the window for some reason -- not my intention, but I guess I was playing hard to get. But you probably wouldn't be surprised to learn, that even with that distance to travel, after I heard, "come here," I got over there pretty damned fast. I wasn't going to argue. And of course you didn't see the sly smile he gave me, he way he lowered his eyes and then looked straight at me with an electric jolt or the sexy way he was holding his body ... he really didn't even need to say "Come here."

I was there. Boy was I there. And it even involved two pairs of glasses to get in our way -- but no problem, they went flying -- and of course then the two awkward noses -- hardly an obstacle it ended up, all we needed was a quick 10 degree head turn on my part -- and it was lock and load.

And this boy was good. He did that favorite thing of mine. You come in really fast, really hard like you'll take the other person out with a mightly WHAM, but you let up just at the end and do the best light teasing kisses -- a real weak-knee-producer and girl-swooning move, I must say. I wanted more and I wanted more fast.

But he was in charge and gave me that "Now, young lady, let's not be greedy." look, so I had to pull back. He was really really expert, acted like it would be some of that chaste elementary school kissy face stuff for a while and I yielded to that descalation, not too thrilled, but not unwilling. We were knocking on the doors of the lips, no big deal, nice, innocent, lovely to notice how soft lips can be, yes, very polite. No big open mouth sucking for such two lovely civilized people as us, standing next to a hotel bed.

I should have seen it coming. I'm being a really good girl doing sweet little goldfish lippy kisses and his next move is a complete toss down on the bed with serious tongue thrusting -- Holy Heck! It's the classic Alpha Male Take Control "Fooled Ya!" strategy and "Now, I'll get my way with you!" manoeuvre.

And I was glad he threw me on the bed, I would have fainted anyway and landed on the floor if I'd been standing another minute anyway. I was truly a goner at this point. Barely breathing and we were in major mouth merge, with his long hard body to roll against. Loved it. Let me count those teeth. Of course now he was ready to start introducing all the other essential parts of the kissing arsenal -- and he had some arsenal.

A few of my favorite manoevers came to the ready -- head-holding. I love that, when a guy just holds your head like some big bouquet of flowers he has gathered into his arms and wants to get a deep delicious smell of. And all over the face kissing. Mmmmmmm. Oh yes, we love that. The good ones are everywhere seemingly all at once. And neck burrowing, yes, get right in there for a little neck nap as we take a little breather, come up for air. And this one did something I really like, gave me his fingers to suck. Oh, yeah, baby.

This one knew some things. I was impressed and having a lot of fun. And this one knew how to break it off suddenly and go over to the mini-bar and get us a Coke and ice ... I can't believe he did that. Got me completely crazy -- I jumped up and ran after as any woman would do, grabbed him by the back of the jeans. And this one turned around, pulled me close to him fast and gave me the perfect, standing up, "let me measure you against my body, see how well we fit" kiss. That's one of those longed-for moments. It's that question you sometimes get to answer early on if you work in the same office and back into the guy, "by accident" and turn and take a measure of the man. Happens all the time. A woman works that way. She thinks, "Oh, yeah, okay, that's how we'd fit together in bed." So that particular kiss is a humdinger. It's a taste of things to come. So to speak.

And then -- I told you this guy was a killer at kissing -- he mixed the very sexy intimate moment with the ordinary, "Let's have a Coke" moment. Good work man. That's the thing -- he knew that great artistic approach to life -- mixing hot/cold, slow/fast, close/far apart, hard/soft. He was good. Mixing rolling around necking on the bed with sitting in chairs drinking a soda -- that was great. He could mix it up. Yes, like Rhett said,"You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how." Oh, yes, he knew how.

So, I'll leave the two kissers there, sipping Coke, since you can surely imagine the rest. Or maybe you can't. You probably figure we ended up in bed once the soda was gone. But this guy was more expert than that. We actually went for a walk and then came back and then ... well, you can imagine how much better anything is when you are made to wait for it. It's always good to wait. All good things come to those who wait.