Tuesday, August 19, 2003

How To Become An Alpha Male In 18 Easy Lessons: Lesson 18: My Alpha Boy

My son is just eight years old, but I think I've got a best-of-breed, certified, irresistible, terrific Alpha Male in the works here. My Alpha Boy has got the right stuff. My Alpha Boy knows what it takes. My Alpha Boy is everything a boy can be and it's wonderful to see. I want to mention 18 wonderful things about my Alpha Boy and wish him the best as I watch him grow into the man he'll soon become. A young man with all the best intentions. A good man. A brave man. A kind man. A man with all the virtues and vices of a real human being. Just a simple man. Just a simply great man.

1. My alpha boy is kind and loving to his mom -- you can't beat that.

2. My alpha boy takes little stuffed animals to school for the girls to take care of. He lets the girls set them in the corners of his desk, tuck them into little improvised beds and pull little Kleenex blankets up to their necks, their paws holding the edge of the blanket. The girls love this.

3. My alpha boy is zany and sometimes calls me Halley Elizabeth Suitt, or "Momlette", just to tease and annoy me.

4. My alpha boy has a friend at school that another kid was picking on. My boy went up to the mean kid and told him to leave him alone, he said, he was HIS FRIEND and said, "You got a problem with that?"

5. My alpha boy loves to sing.

6. My alpha boy loves to laugh.

7. My alpha boy loves to fart.

8. My alpha boy rides his bike at near death-defying speeds these days.

9. My alpha boy helps me dry the dishes..

10. My alpha boy continues to trick me, wearing his pants long and baggy so I won't notice he's not wearing socks. This is a fundamental independence he demands from his mother who really wants him to wear socks. He thinks socks are not cool.

11. I caught my alpha boy holding the door open at a fast food restaurant for an old man.

12. I caught my alpha boy wiping snot on his bed sheets while reading a Pokemon comic book. We call the big ones raisins.

13. I caught my alpha boy kissing his GI Joe's good night (in a rather manly way actually) and telling them to "hang in there."

14. My alpha boy is already good at fixing things in my house.

15. My alpha boy wants to drive my car.

16. My alpha boy still loves his Tonka dumptrucks, his crane, his backhoe and will not let me give any of them away to Goodwill.

17. My alpha boy is still crazy for firetrucks -- the big ones.

18. My alpha boy has taught me all the wonderful things I know, love and appreciate about men.