Sunday, September 19, 2004

Politely Pawed

So here goes ... the definition of "politely pawed." You take a girl to the movies, it's a date movie. Out in the lobby, BEFORE you get inside ... you start trying to get close ... trying to touch her ... use any means necessary. Touch her arm some how. (So ALWAYS get there early. Tell her you mixed up the times -- you thought it was 7:00 instead of 7:30 -- but it will make sure you don't miss getting tickets and you have time to be with her in the light, BEFORE the film starts.)

You can:

1. Try to tie your shoe and pretend you need to hold her arm for balance, make every silly attempt to nearly knock her over a bit and land on you, in your arms, near you, tell her you're terribly sorry as you pull her and you back up -- notice you're touching her and you probably have her in your arms;

2. Just simply -- as the best pawers know -- lean over, take her arm, or encircle her waist, lead her somewhere, like you're doing her a big favor -- over away from the crowds, into the better popcorn line, over to the cardboard cutout of Jim Carey in a new movie dressed like an outer space creature -- anywhere, and notice, you're touching her and see how she reacts;

3. God, man, come up with some excuse to touch her. Drop something. Show her your hands that got messy when you were working on your Porsche -- tell her anything. Use the crowd to get jostled up against her and see how it goes;

4. Spill something on her and wipe it off. Pick a safe neutral place to spill -- her arm, maybe a leg, a foot, not much more private that that;

5. Lead her off (by the arm) to a sexy movie poster and ask her what she thinks of a certain actor or actress. Tell her she reminds you of a certain babe-ish actress if you're really trying to get her warmed up; tell her you'd love to see her in some sexy outfit that an actress in a movie poster is wearing -- tell her anything -- she how she reacts;

This is all research to see how she reacts. You need to do this in the light of the lobby, standing up, so later when you're in the dark and you CAN'T quite tell if she's open to being touched, pawed, squeezed, hugged or ... YES, DUH, KISSED ... you already have a lot of good information.

And for goodness sakes, if a woman's over 18 and has ever babysat for any children or has kid sisters or brothers or even has kids herself, she's used to being touched and pawed all the time. Women and especially mothers are used to kids running up and throwing themselves at us, nuzzling their heads right into our knees or bellies or breasts or anywhere.

We like to be touched, we expect it. We like to hug, we like to get cozy, we want to touch you back, you big idiots. Pretend you're a kid, we rarely back away from a kid. And what the hell have you got to lose? If a woman pulls away, you just got some valuable information. It's not rejection, it's information. Try another avenue, or be very politely and apologize and stop touching her completely. She'll be all over you in two minutes.

So I guess in conclusion, let me say that "politely pawed" means inventing ways to nicely touch a woman's arm, put your arm around her, put your arm around her waist, stroke her leg (from knee to half way up her thigh, unless you are both ready for something more), let her touch your arm. Trust me, she will let you know if she wants more.