Tuesday, August 03, 2004

SAT: Sexiness Aptitude Test

Did you read the SAT test preparation suggestions? Okay, if not, here they are again in small print.

Test Preparation: No need to sharpen a bunch of No. 2 pencils. Stand in front of a mirror -- preferably a full-length one -- and take off your clothes.

1. Take off your clothes -- okay, it wasn't fair not to warn you, but HOW did you take off your clothes? Did you tear them off? Did you slowly slip out of them? Did you unbutton, unzip and undo in a slow sexy manner? Okay, put your clothes back on and NOW take them off the way you would in front of your lover, or the way you'd want your lover to take them off you.

2. About your hair. (Now that you took all your clothes off, I want to talk about your head.) The way you wear your hair is about 50% of how sexy you are. Seriously! You need good hair, or even if you have no hair, you need to do the right thing with your head. (BTW, no hair is very sexy.) When was the last time you had a professional cut your hair? If you have a person who regularly cuts your hair, are they making you look great? If not, get a new one -- and men, this is especially for you, get a sexy woman to cut your hair! That alone will improve your sexiness by about 100%.

3. About your underwear. Okay, if your hair is 50% of your sexiness, your underwear is the next 25% -- and I mean this for women and men. Sexy people wear sexy underwear or no underwear at all. That's it. Wearing a sexy thong and a hot push-up bra all day makes a woman feel very sexy no matter what she's got on on the outside. And men, your underwear is hopeless -- go get some new stuff. And if you wear boxers, try briefs and if you wear briefs, try boxers and if you wear nothing, try a thong and if you wear a thong, call me, sorry ... I mean, try wearing nothing for fun. Everybody, get some new underwear. *

4. Are you fat? Big surprise, everyone thinks they are fat. I think you can be fat and very sexy. I don't believe this skinny stuff. Let go of the idea. Believing you can only be sexy ONCE you're thin is baloney. Either get thin, or shut up and stay fat and be sexy.

5. Self-Pleasure. You're standing naked in front of a mirror. If you're not touching yourself by now, you're an idiot. Go for it. Go all the way. Get back to me on that.

6. Three parts. Find three sexy parts of you. Your sexy bottom, your sexy eyes, your sexy ankles. Focus on how great and sexy those parts are. DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE OTHER PARTS OF YOU THAT YOU HATE. Everyone has sexy parts of their body and other parts that are not as "inspiring" as the good parts. From now on, whenever you're in a potentially sexy situation -- let those three parts be your focus. "She is going to love my sexy chest," is what you guys should think next time you're getting the courage up to ask a girl to have a drink with you. Or ladies, "He's going to love my sexy smile," will go a long way towards feeling hot. Just do it.

7. Take those three parts to bed. Whenever you get sexy with someone -- don't take your WHOLE body to the party -- in your mind and in their bed, I want you to just focus on those three parts. Trust those three parts.

8. Still there in front of the mirror? Stretch. Reach up and stretch your body long and strong. Doesn't it feel good? Maybe you've forgotten how good your body can feel. I think a lot of us have forgotten we even HAVE a body. Don't forget. Spend some time naked every day stretching and feeling how great your body is. It's great to have a body.

9. When was the last time you had sex? With a few extreme reasons as exceptions -- you're in a full body cast in a hospital, you're 8 months old, you're at the South Pole on a solo expedition ... even then, well ... you should be able to answer that you've had sex within the last month. 30 days. No excuses please. If you haven't -- that's your homework in the next 30 days. (BTW, see no. 5 above.)

10. Lotion or oil. Get some lotion or oil and give your entire body a rubdown before you get back into your clothes. Worried you'll get it on your clothes? Who cares. If you're lucky enough to have someone nearby to give you that massage, time to ask them to do it. Give them a call, "Oh, Honey ... You busy?" Have fun.

*Special thanks to Kate for research and suggestions on No. 3.