Family Visits

Easter and Passover week. Time to visit the family. Admit it -- now that I don't have too many family visits to attend -- I'll come clean and tell the truth that sometimes visiting old relatives is so incredibly unpleasant.

We always had these old relatives that kept the house about 212 degrees.

They never wanted to go anywhere or do anything -- I used to find this insanely frustrating if you are used to a day with a lot of physical exercise, as I am. They hold you hostage and feed you horrible fattening food you would never eat anywhere else.

If you don't smoke -- chances are THEY SMOKE.

If you don't drink -- chances are THEY DRINK.

If you smoke -- "Not in the house, dear!"

If you do smoke dope and really want some, I guarantee you're visiting someone this weekend who would have a heart attack even KNOWING you want to smoke a J in their house.

If you do drink and would kill for a decent glass of wine -- they have some sweet shit you think they poured out of a Nyquil bottle by accident.

If you drink Pepsi, they have Coke.

If you drink Coke, they have Dr. Pepper.

If you drink Diet Coke, they have Regular Coke.

If you're on Atkins, they have a big pasta meal ready for you after a 10 hour drive.

If you don't eat meat, they give you a big slab of Easter ham and then yell at you for not eating it.

If you make the mistake of sleeping in their house, you get not a wink from all the weird noises, smells, midnight rambles of grandpa banging around in the kitchen downstairs.

If you are rational enough to book a hotel, your mother or step-mother, or some older matriarch in your family gets on her high horse, saying loudly in front of everyone at the table "What, my house isn't good enough for Ms. Goody Two Shoes?" when she knows you just want to spend the night with your new boyfriend and it's none of her business and she'd put you in separate rooms in her house in torture-chamber rack-type single beds.

And of course, twelve people make you wait to use the ONE bathroom after the big meal, and lucky you, with the 13th flush, it overflows all over your white satin Easter shoes.