Barbie And Blaine

I still can't get over this announcement, one day before Valentine's Day, that Barbie had dumped Ken for an Australian boogie boarder named Blaine. She's 45, Ken's 43 and it's over, just like that. What does this mean for American Alpha Males?! A bad day for our guys. I couldn't even bear to write about it until now. The San Jose Merc covered it faithfully.

Toy maker Mattel let it leak that Ken's failure to commit was at the core of the couple's troubles. He simply would not ask Barbie to marry him, despite subtle hints like Dream Bride Barbie. Why Boot Camp Barbie didn't propose first we'll never know.

Clearly, there were issues around intimacy. Armed with stiff, plastic fingers, Ken couldn't even hold hands. And, it's true, Ken was not anatomically complete, which may have given him pause on the issue of a wedding and a wedding night.

Well, hey, give Ken a break. It wasn't like Barbie had all the right equipment -- she doesn't even have nipples!

It is sad to imagine Ken wondering, "What's Blaine's got, that I ain't got?!"