Shall I Crank Up The Machine?

I have built a new machine here that I can't wait to demo for you. And it's high time some innovator got around to building it.

It's simply a black box with a big funnel input device where you can put crazy shit people write on their blogs that pretend to be informed opinion, but are obviously just sour grapes rants and thinly-veiled character assassinations against other bloggers who've achieved some honor or privilege, or hell, even an invitation to a cool party or conference. You flip the switch and it conveniently translates the blog post into one of the following output statements:

"WHY DIDN'T THEY PICK ME?!"

"I HATE HIM BECAUSE HE HAS BIG FLOW!"

'WHY DID THEY INVITE HIM TO SPEAK?!"

"HIS OPINION IS OBVIOUSLY FLAWED AND I HATE HIM BECAUSE HE'S GETTING MORE PUSSY THAN ME."

I think my machine will be a big hit. Now what to call it ... let me think ... I'm sure I can come up with something. Something to do with complaining and whining ... hmmmm ... the ACME COMPLAIN-A-LATOR?