In God We Trust -- Maybe

I've been thinking about divorce and why it's so difficult, so painful, so destructive, especially why it takes so long to simply do -- the time between separating and actually being legally divorced is much longer than anyone starting the process ever anticipates -- and takes so long to recover from. There are some good things to be said for divorce, but I don't think it's easy to remember them when you are going through it. It's all about a complete breakdown in trust and a long, gradual rebuilding of that trust. And that is really hard work.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a ice cream shop with two friends -- they are married, both work, they have one son who's pretty much my son's closest friend. This boy and my son were squirmy and they wanted to run outside at night and play on the siidewalk now that their ice cream was done. There was a big glass window so we could see them, but still I hestitated. We had had dinner in our local town at a nice Italian place and walked down the very pretty, safe, clean street to this shop. It was a very safe place and the other parents were semi-pushing me to let them, not to be so overprotective. They are 8 years old for goodness' sakes.

I agreed that the boys could go out and play on the sidewalk, but only as long as they stayed right in front of the shop so I could see them. There was a toy store down the street and I knew they really wanted go look in that store window, as well as play outside the ice cream shop. I agreed that we would all go look there later, but first they could be on their own outside, only as long as I could see them.

I know the other parents thought I was overdoing it. But I finally got the words straight to explain my position. "You know, with both of you here, if your son got hurt or a stranger talked to him, or something weird happened, you each know you were both being just as vigilant as possible and even if something bad happened, you'd both understand the circumstances. I don't have that luxury anymore. Imagine my kid fell and broke his arm or something far worse. Since he's on my watch and his dad is not here, his dad would never know if I was really being careful or if I was negligent. I can't be casual about his well-being ever again. I have to be overprotective as we rebuild trust between us all."

Whatever trust you had with a married partner, it pretty much goes out the window when you say, "I don't love you anymore" or maybe worse, do something, like fall in love with someone else that makes it painfully clear that "I don't love you anymore." If marriage is about anything, it's about the notion that the person you are married to loves you and puts you first -- surely above other partners -- but often above their own self-interests.

Divorce and separation make it clear that you can't trust in that anymore.

It's over.

So what are you then expected to do? Work on a financial agreement and a custody agreement (if you are lucky/unlucky enough to have kids -- lucky cause they're wonderful, unlucky because divorce is 100X more excruciating with kids involved) -- that is based on trust.

Let me explain it again. Just at a time when you have no basis for trusting that #$%@$& person who betrayed you at the most basic level, you have to write an agreement based on trust with the help of two lawyers who tend to remind you of all the myriad ways you can not trust the other person.

You have to trust that they will pay you support of a certain amount at a certain time (though your divorce may have been caused by hellish financial problems). You have to trust the other person will take care of your kids when you are not present (though your divorce may have been caused by poor treatment of you and your kids by your spouse -- and I make no assumptions here about moms vs. dads treating kids or spouses better than the other -- modern life suggests all bets are off in this department). You have to trust your partner to be fair and equitable in their dealings with you when you DON'T TRUST YOUR PARTNER AS FAR AS YOU CAN THROW THEM.

So drag in the clock. You cobble together some agreement and you start to test it and you can only test it over time. You can only rebuild trust over time. You can only know how the first Thanksgiving without your spouse will go by LIVING THROUGH THE FIRST THANKSGIVING WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE. You can only know how the first Xmas without your spouse will go, maybe even without your kids, or maybe trying to share your kids by LIVING THROUGH THE FIRST XMAS, TRUDGING THROUGH A BLINDING SNOWSTORM ON XMAS MORNING TO PICK UP YOUR KIDS AT THE OTHER SPOUSES' HOUSE AND HOPING NOT TO FIND YOUR KIDS CRYING OR STUFFED FULL OF CANDY BEFORE 8:00AM OR WHOOPING IT UP WITH SOME SEXY NEW GIRLFRIEND IN HER FUR-EDGED RED SANTA BABYDOLL PJS. [BTW, none of these things have happened to me, but they have happened to others and your fears run wild with scenarios in the first few months when you're going on adrenaline, coffee, tears, no sleep and resentment. Oh, yeah, and on both sides, little or no money, half the time.)

You have to live through it. You have to take the time to rebuild trust. You feel like you have to see it to believe it. You have to see that you CAN live through it. You don't know what to trust. You don't know who to trust. You don't know anything.

So time goes by and time is highly underrated. Often one partner can't make time move fast enough -- the one who wanted the divorce in the first place. And one partner can't slow things down enough -- the one who did not want the divorce and goes kicking and screaming into a very dark uncertain unpleasant future. But like the song says, "Time ..... is on my side, yes it is." Actually time is on everyone's side. Because after a while, you start to see that you're still alive, you're still breathing and that you will continue.

Time feels long or short but it always creeps up on you all of a sudden and you notice -- "Wow, I'm renewing my lease on this place," and you've managed to be alive even a year after being separated. Or "wow, we're paying taxes again, but not jointly." you think and you note you're still breathing and probably managing better than the year before or at least managing. Or your kid brings home the school directory and both your addresses are listed this year, so they finally got it straight and you don't have to spend the whole year (as you did the year before) explaining, "No, he's at his dad's house this weekend. No, the number isn't listed, I'll give it to you."

And so who do we trust in? Well, I do happen to trust in God, but you needn't. You can trust in healing. You can trust in routine. And you can ultimately trust in time.