How Long Has This Been Going On?

Do you remember the song? It's a great one, about finally understanding that your lover has been cheating on you ... finally understanding that as much as the cheating hurts, what's really distressing is that you were not in on the secret, but everyone else was. The singer poses the question, "how long ..." and I've been toying with that in my head every day since I got my eye surgery a week ago. It's a question that says, "How long have I been walking around this world with the wrong fundamental assumptions about what's going on?"

It's the best phrase I can use to describe how earth-shattering it is to find out what the world really looks like. How long has this been going on -- the way everything looks -- how long have I been missing it so totally!? It actually feels really sad sometimes. I was so wrong. I was missing so much. I thought I was seeing something. What the hell was I seeing?

I spend a good part of every day thinking, "How long?" How long has the banner on this page of BloggerPro been not just flat plain blue, as I assumed, but dark blue with faint light blue half-moon shaped semi-circles decorating it? How long has my cordless phone receiver been a little stained yellow and in need of a bit of cleaning and a wipe with a wet wash rag? How long have the words HI and LO been printed on the fan over my stove hood, instead of little squiggly designs of white against black, as I thought they were when I could not see? Talk about words ... how long have all these words been living on my appliances throughout my kitchen ? The place is blooming with little words -- PRESS -- ON/OFF -- SIMMER -- CHOP! The place won't shut up.

How long have plain cotton socks had all these little rows of knit and purl that you could actually see? How long have freshly folded lavendar bath towels had so much spikey pile to them? How long have I been a prisoner of a bad model railroad town where the phoney spongey trees are one dull green color, the rubber shrubs are the same dumb green color, the train station is a flat brown and nothing is really real? How long have white jet trails in the sky been two white stripes ... not one ... as I suddenly realized the other day when I saw that for the first time and a friend confirmed it really was that way? How long can I stare at my son's face without crying big splashy tears of joy to see the boy!?