Tuesday, January 13, 2004

New Eye

I'm finally getting my other eye fixed up. I go in for cataract surgery for Miss Right Eye next Monday. They put a mark over the eye they plan to fix, just to make sure everybody is in agreement about what they plan to do that morning.

Stuff I wrote last year -- I called it SNOW GLOBE:

I've had cataracts in my eyes -- both eyes -- since I was 16. Now they are finally getting too much and I have to have surgery soon -- probably in June -- but I'm trying to move it up if the doctor has a cancellation. Last night I had a wonderful time going over to the mall to Lenscrafters and getting LONG OVERDUE new glasses and new sunglasses. I have a wicked astigmatism, now I find I'm much more myopic than I realized and though I usually have my eyes checked far more often than normal people because of the cataracts, I had gone two years without new glasses -- very bad, very bad, bad girl, bad girl!
So I figured I'd take these Lenscrafters guys up on their "Glasses In About One Hour" offer and being extremely cynical figured they couldn't possibly do that for me -- being the problem child of eyewear that I am. I can never decide on a pair because I hit the existential question of "why the hell does poor little me have to wear glasses anyway?" headon. And if that weren't enough to stop me dead in my tracks psychologically, there's always the time honored "Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses." which I know by first-hand experience to be false. But still, the whole experience can send me into a tissy and a dither and you don't want Halley in either of those places. She'll drive you crazy.

But boy was I wrong about the whole thing. I had my eyes examined by a great doctor there who was ... can I say it ... pretty turned on by my rare and weird type of cataracts. Poor guy doesn't get to see a girl with cataracts like mine every day. I mean heck, I have some really sexy cataracts which he explained look like snow flakes in my eyes -- lots of them. So I learn last night that my eyes are like little snow globes. I tell him I'm having surgery at Mass General for cataracts in the next few months. He says, "Great, there are great doctors there." And I say, "Yes, I had a recommendation for a guy that's apparently really good." And he turns and says the very name of that doctor, and I nearly flip at this point, "Yes! That's the one!" And the eye exam guy says "You'll love him." And I'm thrilled at this since I'm a big chicken and was very ill as a kid and had a bunch of things like meningitis and nearly died a few times and I LOATHE SURGERY AND HOSPITALS AND THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL CORRIDORS. Wait, slow down. I'll stop. Getting crazy again.

Anyway, I seemed to be making his day with my snow globe peepers and he seemed to be making mine with this spot on confirmation that I had the best Eye Guy in town. And then he did it -- made a great new pair of glasses for me -- improved things a LOT. Seems despite the astigmatism issues and despite the cataracts my real problem is that I've gotten a lot more myopic. And then he really did it ... yes, he kind of made a pass at me ... you can't help him ... my snowflake eyes had him so turned on ... he admitted he hadn't seen anything like them since medical school ... he asked me if after surgery he could have my lenses ... you know, like in a jar with some scary fluid to perserve them. Let me be fair, first he said that the Mass General doctor might give them to me and if I didn't want them ... maybe he could have them? He was kind of teasing, but hell, I'd give a handsome eye doctor like that a small body part if it turned him on THAT much.

It only gets better now. I went out on the "eye floor" -- not the proper name, but I just made that up -- and there were a bunch of really helpful guys and I found some great Gorgio Armani rectangular skinny plastic light green glasses, very 16ieme Arrondissment if you ask me, that match my green eyes perfectly and I found some Jackie O'ish Raybans that have a slight hint of Audrey Hepburn to them and they got me in and out of there fast as can be and in LESS than an hour and my glasses are a god send. I slipped them on and hell, it was like being high on dope with Oreos, with your best high school buddies and candles -- I am seeing things so much more clearly, I was amazed. I say to the glasses guys, "Whoa! I can really see with these things!" The manager says, "That's the idea!"

So I leave the mall, feeling so cool that I can see things -- like I can see my car in the parking lot, even before I attempt to open three other wrong Burgundy Camry's and before I have to bend down and braille-read the license plate. I'm just teasing, I'm not that bad. Well, almost.