Friday, May 03, 2002

Bottom Line

I was watching my kid and his friends play at McDonald's the other day. They love to climb. They climb and climb and climb. And they really use their bottoms — sticking them right out there — their little butts are in gear And what are we adults doing — sitting around on our asses all day. We're kindof trying to hide them. Not good, just not good.

Any one who knows anything about yoga will tell you you got some serious prana coming in and out of your bottom -- serious chakra city. I mean think of Sting's butt for a minute. Or longer if you like.

And then I was thinking about this great song by Sir-Mix-A-Lot — Baby Got Back. It was on the Charlies' Angels soundtrack if you missed it. This boy loves girls with really substantial butts. This is just about the perfect song if you ask me. It's about time someone celebrated bottoms. You can tell a lot about a person from their backside. Don't miss this.

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
If you wanna roll in my Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Yeah, baby,
When it comes to females
Cosmo ain't got nothin' to do with my selection
Only if she's 5'3"!

So your girlfriend grows a Honda
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't gotta motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hon'
You can do side-bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt

And a few months ago a friend and I were in a Chinese restaurant talking about a new company he was thinking of investing in — they make padded underpants for men. I still don't know if he was kidding me.

"Front padding or back padding?" says I.

"Front," he says, like it's obvious.

"A kindof a Mick Jagger thing? Come on, it's not the front anymore, it's the back Mick needs to worry about." You can see, I've gotten his attention.

"Wait a minute, you're really on to something there," he says.

So then I explain, "Flat butts are really out. It's just so "East Coast White Male Heirarchy" -- very passe. I mean, a flat butt says ... well, nothing. A flat ass means you're not even in the game. A big ass inspires more trust. You have to put your ass on the line. You need "back".

"What's back?" he says. So, we're back to back again. I mean, we're talking about the song. I fill him in on the details.

"I think the way he plays with Honda and Mercedes is interesting. don't you? He knows everything about trusted brands."

"I like it," he says.

So watch your bottom today and everyone else's as well, for that matter.

I'm telling you, your ass is the next big thing.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Retraction time. I found out that this padded underpants company was NOT a real company and I wanted to clarify that.]