Saturday, August 06, 2005

Getting Dumped Silently

Had an interesting conversation with a very attractive guy today about how he can date a woman, things seem to be going well and then she just stops talking to him, doesn't want to see him anymore ... no reasons, no explanations, no more communication.

I was glad he confided in me and told me about it, because I was able to tell him IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME TO LOTS OF PEOPLE. I know women who do it to men, and men who do it to women and it's just dreadful.

We were talking about why it happens and how to avoid it. All I can figure, and I really have to tell you it's much more common than it should be, is that people are simply too cowardly to say WHY they don't like someone. They (wrongly) think saying nothing is a way to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. Instead, they do far worse, really blowing away a person's confidence, leaving them feeling very insecure.

So let's hypothetically say someone dumps you, and you suspect it's because they didn't like your dancing. It seems idiotic, but perhaps if the last date you had with them was at a disco and you were dancing, and next thing you know, they clam up and stop talking to you, you're left searching for a reason and all you can figure it ... "well, we went dancing, and now he/she won't talk to me ..."

But the truth of the "silent dump" problem is, you're left with NOTHING TO GO ON and you end up like an unskilled pilot in a sudden storm, going into a downward death spiral of self-esteem obliteration. You start thinking of all the reasons the person might not like you and enumerating them and getting completely DOWN on yourself and losing all confidence to go on to the next dating situation.

How to avoid it ... that's a tough one. But try demanding that the person level with you. They owe you that. Make them fess up. Tell them you really want to know. You have a right.

It's like a job interview you think goes well and you don't get the job. I always try to ask. It's hard to get a straight answer, but sometimes you can and it puts your mind at rest.

I suppose "we hired from inside the company" is the equivalent of "I got back with my old boyfriend" when it comes to dating. You can think the same thing about both situations, something along the lines of "Thanks for wasting my time!" but at least you can move on from there.